Weird. D has been completely MIA in the past three weeks or so -- no blog posts, no tweets, no Facebook updates. I called him last week and left a message just to make sure he was still alive (okay, and to possibly poke the bear to see if he'd fess up to taking Jailbait back, because he never told me directly), but nothing. I almost texted him [jokingly] asking if she was keeping him locked up in her basement, but decided against it.
Well, stupid Facebook managed to ruin my day. I unsubscribed D from my Newsfeed at least a year ago, which actually helped a LOT with [trying] to get over him. However, since he's been off the grid, I checked his profile today to see if he's resurfaced.
Good timing, Lis. Jailbait had written on his wall less than a hour before. Being the deep thinker she is, her post consisted of "<3". How romantic!
And me, being the immature, cranky-because-it's-only-Wednesday-but-feels-like-Thursday grump I am, decided to push her teenage declaration of love down the feed by sharing a video of a cat playing Ping-Pong. (In all fairness, I added the caption, "Why is this not on your sports blog yet?!", because it is pretty amazing.)
I'm going to feign innocence here. Oh, I didn't mean to shove down Jailbait's cute little heart icon! I really thought that video was worth sharing... my timing was just really bad. I'm sure her thoughfulness totally negates any and all pain she's caused you.
I know, I'm immature. I realize that I've accomplished nothing other than looking like a dork, but it kinda made me feel a little better.
But seriously, "<3"?
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Well, I don't have any hesitations about THIS one...
I wish I had exciting news to report... such as, "I went to a theme party on Friday and met a freaking awesome guy who's amazing and we're going out this week." The first part is true. The second part is not-so-true.
I did go to a large hosted theme party on Friday. Unfortunately, I managed to catch the eye of a guy who, in the end, creeped me the fuck out by the end of the night.
Long story short – met and talked with some decent guys at this club-hosted party. (I love these types of events, because some people go all-out with their outfits/costumes... and then you have the girls that show up in not-theme-appropriate cocktail dresses and heels and look like fish out of water.) I talked to one guy (we'll call him Craig) for maybe a total of 5-10 minutes, and was interested enough that I was smiley and friendly to him whenever I saw him in passing.
However, the "after party" at a nearby bar was a different story. Craig was also there, but at this point in the evening he was looking for a hookup. I was not. In fact, I saw him being overly friendly with at least two other girls at the bar in the hour or so I was there. That alone dialed my interest down from about a 7/10 to a 4.
I found myself talking to him at the bar while I settled my tab, he kept being handsy and trying to rub my back and other creepy moves that I don't really enjoy being performed by guys I barely know. Then, as I was about to leave, Craig kept trying to hint that he wanted to go home with me. For example, "Why don't we share a cab back?" (We both live in the same part of the city, but different neighborhoods.) Me: "I'm actually walking home, thanks." Finally, as I reiterated MANY times that I was going home alone that night, he says, "I can't interest you in going home with me?" Me: "I'm too old for that kind of thing." [And you are, too, buddy.]
Side note: in truth, if I met a guy at a bar and was VERY into him physically, drunk as hell, and looking for a fling, then I might go home with him or at least make out for awhile. However, since my emotions were in check and Craig had already dropped to a 2 on my interest level thanks to the unasked-for touching, it was a big fat NO: do not pass go, do not take off my clothes.
Finally, Craig does what he should have done in the FIRST PLACE, before propositioning me: asked me for my number. Me, being a wimp, give it to him, but leave feeling like I needed to take a shower and get the slime off my body.
Anyway, Craig called last night. I let it roll to voicemail, and then he left a text asking to get coffee or drinks. (No voice message? Come on.) Thanks, but no thanks. It's too bad, because I would have been perfectly willing to go out with him had he been a gentleman at the bar!
Gah. I mean, GAH! Why are guys so freaking weird sometimes?!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
No mistletoe here
This past weekend I went to my company's Christmas holiday party. I'm not usually the "bring a date" type, but last year I took a co-worker with me. (I'm employed in the federal government through a contracting firm, and this guy was a regular federal worker/non-contractor.) It was really fun, so I brought him along again this year.
(Shit, I need to think of a name for him. Let's go with Noah, since I don't know any Noahs in real life.)
The party itself was very similar to last year's – held in a museum, lots of food, excessive amounts of wine and beer, and a live band. Unfortunately the party was so short that we didn't get to see much of the museum, but it was fun to chat with my co-workers and people watch.
My manager asked if Noah and I were dating (there's no policy against this, so she didn't care either way – it was just out of pure curiosity), and I told her no. When Noah first arrived last year, I thought he was cute and really smart. Like, really smart. Way, way smarter than me. Has a master's degree, has written for the Huffington Post, did the Peace Corps, etc.
Even speaking with him outside of work, I just felt like I wasn't on the same intelligence level as him. As my sister’s friend once put it, "I felt like I had to read several newspapers before every date."
Don't get me wrong, I never felt like he was being condescending, but at the same time, I can't talk about stupid shit, like the South Park episode with Timmy and Gobbles the Turkey, because he probably doesn't even know what South Park is.
Back to the party. As we were walking out of the museum, I saw an exhibit and exclaimed, "Oh damn, I wish I knew that was here!" And Noah says, "It's okay, we can see it another time."
We? Another… time?
Oh, fuck.
He is SO nice, and kind, and cute… and I'm pretty sure he likes me... but I can't see myself dating him. He's not charismatic, like D is. He doesn't make me laugh. He's just so… serious. And I don't feel like I can be myself around him.
Meanwhile, I pine away for guys who aren't interested in me and/or are unavailable. It's messed up.
(Shit, I need to think of a name for him. Let's go with Noah, since I don't know any Noahs in real life.)
The party itself was very similar to last year's – held in a museum, lots of food, excessive amounts of wine and beer, and a live band. Unfortunately the party was so short that we didn't get to see much of the museum, but it was fun to chat with my co-workers and people watch.
My manager asked if Noah and I were dating (there's no policy against this, so she didn't care either way – it was just out of pure curiosity), and I told her no. When Noah first arrived last year, I thought he was cute and really smart. Like, really smart. Way, way smarter than me. Has a master's degree, has written for the Huffington Post, did the Peace Corps, etc.
Even speaking with him outside of work, I just felt like I wasn't on the same intelligence level as him. As my sister’s friend once put it, "I felt like I had to read several newspapers before every date."
Don't get me wrong, I never felt like he was being condescending, but at the same time, I can't talk about stupid shit, like the South Park episode with Timmy and Gobbles the Turkey, because he probably doesn't even know what South Park is.
Back to the party. As we were walking out of the museum, I saw an exhibit and exclaimed, "Oh damn, I wish I knew that was here!" And Noah says, "It's okay, we can see it another time."
We? Another… time?
Oh, fuck.
He is SO nice, and kind, and cute… and I'm pretty sure he likes me... but I can't see myself dating him. He's not charismatic, like D is. He doesn't make me laugh. He's just so… serious. And I don't feel like I can be myself around him.
Meanwhile, I pine away for guys who aren't interested in me and/or are unavailable. It's messed up.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
It ain't over 'til it's over
It's really hard for me to write this post, because some part of me is thrown back to 7th grade when I was asked to leave a lunch table group. 12-year-olds can be mean.
There are about 4-5 girls that I spent a lot of time with (happy hour, dinners, etc.) from 2010-2011. I basically got dropped by them last fall for no obvious reason. I tried to stay in touch and keep the friendship alive, but any emails/texts/calls were ignored. When I asked one of the girls who still talks to me what was going on, her response was "Oh, everyone's been busy." Fair enough. But then I started getting excluded from events, and the "busy" excuse fell apart.
It started with one girl's birthday party at a bar -- I wasn't invited, even when I asked her what was going on -- and then throughout the fall, I was left out of everything. One girl who had moved out of town came back for a weekend and they threw a party... and left me out. Any subsequent plans they made didn't include me. It's literally been over a year since I've seen two of them. It was to the point of where I had to hide them from my Facebook news feed because it felt like a knife in my back every time they posted a group photo of them being out and having fun without me.
I know part of is probably due to my hobby-that-takes-all-my-time and the many times in the past where I've said, "I can't, I have practice after work." As stupid as this sounds, I feel like they stopped including me because I wasn't cool enough for them... but odds are, they got tired of me declining invitations because of my double life. But it doesn't make things hurt any less.
The realist in me says to give up. The optimist in me wants to try and salvage SOMETHING, because I'm still friends with at least two of the girls, and it's awkward because they know I feel like I've been shunned. (That doesn't help, either -- feeling depressed and awful about life in general doesn't give off a good vibe.)
I know this makes them sound like they're bad people, but they're not. They were some of the nicest girls I've met, and I really think they just got sick of me being AWOL all the time. :-/
There are about 4-5 girls that I spent a lot of time with (happy hour, dinners, etc.) from 2010-2011. I basically got dropped by them last fall for no obvious reason. I tried to stay in touch and keep the friendship alive, but any emails/texts/calls were ignored. When I asked one of the girls who still talks to me what was going on, her response was "Oh, everyone's been busy." Fair enough. But then I started getting excluded from events, and the "busy" excuse fell apart.
It started with one girl's birthday party at a bar -- I wasn't invited, even when I asked her what was going on -- and then throughout the fall, I was left out of everything. One girl who had moved out of town came back for a weekend and they threw a party... and left me out. Any subsequent plans they made didn't include me. It's literally been over a year since I've seen two of them. It was to the point of where I had to hide them from my Facebook news feed because it felt like a knife in my back every time they posted a group photo of them being out and having fun without me.
I know part of is probably due to my hobby-that-takes-all-my-time and the many times in the past where I've said, "I can't, I have practice after work." As stupid as this sounds, I feel like they stopped including me because I wasn't cool enough for them... but odds are, they got tired of me declining invitations because of my double life. But it doesn't make things hurt any less.
The realist in me says to give up. The optimist in me wants to try and salvage SOMETHING, because I'm still friends with at least two of the girls, and it's awkward because they know I feel like I've been shunned. (That doesn't help, either -- feeling depressed and awful about life in general doesn't give off a good vibe.)
I know this makes them sound like they're bad people, but they're not. They were some of the nicest girls I've met, and I really think they just got sick of me being AWOL all the time. :-/
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Bullshit, LLC.
Yesterday I spent a significant amount of time trying to find blogs to follow. I ended up going through other blogs I've read sporadically, reading who THEY followed, and then adding them to my list.
It's somewhat of a relief to find that I'm not alone in all of this. I find myself identifying with everyone I added. I read through about two months' of One in a Blue Moon DC's posts, and was like, "Hey... that's so like ME!" I find myself in the same $#&*ing predicament all time -- meet perfectly nice guys, go out on dates with them... and then I find myself not attracted to them at all. It sucks.
And then, of course, there's the everyday stuff. I had to laugh at Onward and Upward's most recent post, because I through a similar situation a few days ago. Last year I borrowed a Macbook from work that I have yet to return. (It's cool, they know about it.) No one really cares that I've essentially commandeered it, because it's 5 years old and we have a slew of nearly-new Macbook Pros that everyone else prefer to use. Considering my own personal computer is coming up on 11 years old, a 5 year old laptop that's barely been used is considered a huge upgrade.
Anyway, the downside is that the operating system on the work Macbook (why is it that I keep typing Mackbook? Durh.) is considered a legacy system, and I couldn't even install Google Chrome on it. After minimal persuasion, my work recently ponied up the $20 to upgrade the OS. Sweeeeet.
Not-so-fast. The hard drive on this Mac is encrypted, and I couldn't figure out how to load the "unlocker" (for lack of a better term) before the DVD booted in order to install the OS. I had absolutely no luck finding documentation online for the encryption software, because they required registration to their site in order to search the help files.
Being pissed off enough that I couldn't immediately install the new OS, I registered myself using a fake name, and wrote in a fake company. I assumed it was an automated system that would just approve my login and I'd be on my merry way.
The next morning I get a real human being-written email from the encryption software people:
For the record, I found the documentation on a university website before receiving the email and discovered I had to decrypt the hard drive before installing the OS. Easiest way to decrypt? Uninstall the encryption software. Is that really so secretive that you felt the need to guard it behind a registration firewall? Nooo.
It's somewhat of a relief to find that I'm not alone in all of this. I find myself identifying with everyone I added. I read through about two months' of One in a Blue Moon DC's posts, and was like, "Hey... that's so like ME!" I find myself in the same $#&*ing predicament all time -- meet perfectly nice guys, go out on dates with them... and then I find myself not attracted to them at all. It sucks.
And then, of course, there's the everyday stuff. I had to laugh at Onward and Upward's most recent post, because I through a similar situation a few days ago. Last year I borrowed a Macbook from work that I have yet to return. (It's cool, they know about it.) No one really cares that I've essentially commandeered it, because it's 5 years old and we have a slew of nearly-new Macbook Pros that everyone else prefer to use. Considering my own personal computer is coming up on 11 years old, a 5 year old laptop that's barely been used is considered a huge upgrade.
Anyway, the downside is that the operating system on the work Macbook (why is it that I keep typing Mackbook? Durh.) is considered a legacy system, and I couldn't even install Google Chrome on it. After minimal persuasion, my work recently ponied up the $20 to upgrade the OS. Sweeeeet.
Not-so-fast. The hard drive on this Mac is encrypted, and I couldn't figure out how to load the "unlocker" (for lack of a better term) before the DVD booted in order to install the OS. I had absolutely no luck finding documentation online for the encryption software, because they required registration to their site in order to search the help files.
Being pissed off enough that I couldn't immediately install the new OS, I registered myself using a fake name, and wrote in a fake company. I assumed it was an automated system that would just approve my login and I'd be on my merry way.
The next morning I get a real human being-written email from the encryption software people:
Dear Mr. Frobnitz,Oops.
We were unable to verify your user registration using the company information you provided. Could you please check and resend us your information? For reference, here's what you provided:
First name: Ronald
Last name: Frobnitz
Company name: This is Bullshit.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Dan S.
Customer Support
For the record, I found the documentation on a university website before receiving the email and discovered I had to decrypt the hard drive before installing the OS. Easiest way to decrypt? Uninstall the encryption software. Is that really so secretive that you felt the need to guard it behind a registration firewall? Nooo.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
I'm doing this all backward, I know
I realized if anyone is going to read the pensieve* that is this blog, I should at least follow a few like-minded people. (Namely, young women like myself. Hopefully their lives are in better shape/order than mine is.) Anyway... welcome to my follow list! I promise not to be TOO terribly negative. I realize the last two posts were pretty harsh, but it's actually made me feel somewhat better. Healed? No. Sloooowly on the mend? Yes.
*I still don't know what to name this blog. Pensieve seems like an appropriate name, but it's probably way overdone with Harry Potter fan fiction writers' blogs.
*I still don't know what to name this blog. Pensieve seems like an appropriate name, but it's probably way overdone with Harry Potter fan fiction writers' blogs.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
You got away, got away, got away with things
Well, as if it couldn't get any worse, it has.
He was a mess. "What do I do?"
THE SAME DAY I wrote the last blog post, I get a text from D. "She cheated on me."
W.T.F. I hate you, world.
As if my opinion of her couldn't sink any lower, it just did. As Brad Pitt says in Moneyball, "There are rich teams, and there are poor teams. Then there's 50 feet of crap. And then there's us." That's her.
I called him and offered my condolences. As much as I wanted to say, "Jesus, man, DTMFA!", I didn't. I told him the truth. That I was really sorry this happened, it sucked, and my heart broke for him. That I wanted him to be happy, and this wasn't fair at all to him.
I told him I wasn't in a position to give him advice on the matter. (Fuck, I'm like the least qualified person to give advice regarding relationships.) I told him what she did was completely shitty. Lying about the cheating (by passing it off as a rumor), then coming clean a day later, and then being defensive about it was also a terrible thing.
What I really wanted to say: "Good. Fucking. Lord. What did you expect, dummy? You're in a long distance relationship with a girl 13 years younger (hello, daddy issues) and you're surprised this happened? The writing is on the wall. You two are at totally different points in your lives, yet you are living vicariously through her life, because the way she lives now is how you lived at that age. But because of your inability to face reality, you keep seeing her because she's not pressuring you to get marriedrightnow. She's playing you like a violin, and you're falling for it. Dump her skanky ass."
I did my best to cheer him up -- sending funny text messages, emails, etc. I kept my mouth shut, other than to tell him jokingly that I'd fuck her shit up if she hurt him again. (This is laughable because I'm unable to be physically violent with anyone.) And then I waited.
I willed for that relationship status to change. I'd like to think it was because I really, really, REALLY dislike her and not because that damn torch will NOT BLOW OUT. But with each passing day, it stayed the same.
My favorite part was her update: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Um, lady, you betrayed, cheated, and LIED to your boyfriend. You have no right to use a Bible verse to justify your wrongdoing.
The last time I spoke to him, he said she was going to come to NY to grovel. (Which she should have done ASAP, not 3 weeks later, if she were a semi-decent human being.) And so she did, and that stupid relationship status didn't budge, and right now I want to scream and throw things at the window.
I hate myself right now. I hate myself for still being angry about all this, because if I were a mature adult, I'd be able to move on. But I can't. My heart doesn't listen to my brain, and I continue to cry inside for something that I never had because I was too chicken to speak up.
I also hate myself for forcing myself to think of what an idiot he must be to take her back, and why would I ever want to be with a guy like that? I keep thinking the anger and resentment will extinguish the torch I keep clutching, even though it's obvious it'd never last in the real world.
I'm desperately trying to move on, but I have nothing else to occupy my thoughts. It blows my mind how I can be so logical in my brain, yet I can't live like I am.
I'm desperately trying to move on, but I have nothing else to occupy my thoughts. It blows my mind how I can be so logical in my brain, yet I can't live like I am.
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