Bullshit, LLC.

Yesterday I spent a significant amount of time trying to find blogs to follow. I ended up going through other blogs I've read sporadically, reading who THEY followed, and then adding them to my list.

It's somewhat of a relief to find that I'm not alone in all of this. I find myself identifying with everyone I added. I read through about two months' of One in a Blue Moon DC's posts, and was like, "Hey... that's so like ME!" I find myself in the same $#&*ing predicament all time -- meet perfectly nice guys, go out on dates with them... and then I find myself not attracted to them at all. It sucks.

And then, of course, there's the everyday stuff. I had to laugh at Onward and Upward's most recent post, because I through a similar situation a few days ago. Last year I borrowed a Macbook from work that I have yet to return. (It's cool, they know about it.) No one really cares that I've essentially commandeered it, because it's 5 years old and we have a slew of nearly-new Macbook Pros that everyone else prefer to use. Considering my own personal computer is coming up on 11 years old, a 5 year old laptop that's barely been used is considered a huge upgrade.

Anyway, the downside is that the operating system on the work Macbook (why is it that I keep typing Mackbook? Durh.) is considered a legacy system, and I couldn't even install Google Chrome on it. After minimal persuasion, my work recently ponied up the $20 to upgrade the OS. Sweeeeet.

Not-so-fast. The hard drive on this Mac is encrypted, and I couldn't figure out how to load the "unlocker" (for lack of a better term) before the DVD booted in order to install the OS. I had absolutely no luck finding documentation online for the encryption software, because they required registration to their site in order to search the help files.

Being pissed off enough that I couldn't immediately install the new OS, I registered myself using a fake name, and wrote in a fake company. I assumed it was an automated system that would just approve my login and I'd be on my merry way.

The next morning I get a real human being-written email from the encryption software people:

Dear Mr. Frobnitz,
   We were unable to verify your user registration using the company information you provided. Could you please check and resend us your information? For reference, here's what you provided:

First name: Ronald
Last name: Frobnitz
Company name: This is Bullshit.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Dan S.
Customer Support

Oops.

For the record, I found the documentation on a university website before receiving the email and discovered I had to decrypt the hard drive before installing the OS. Easiest way to decrypt? Uninstall the encryption software. Is that really so secretive that you felt the need to guard it behind a registration firewall? Nooo.

I'm doing this all backward, I know

I realized if anyone is going to read the pensieve* that is this blog, I should at least follow a few like-minded people. (Namely, young women like myself. Hopefully their lives are in better shape/order than mine is.) Anyway... welcome to my follow list! I promise not to be TOO terribly negative. I realize the last two posts were pretty harsh, but it's actually made me feel somewhat better. Healed? No. Sloooowly on the mend? Yes.


*I still don't know what to name this blog. Pensieve seems like an appropriate name, but it's probably way overdone with Harry Potter fan fiction writers' blogs.

You got away, got away, got away with things

Well, as if it couldn't get any worse, it has.

THE SAME DAY I wrote the last blog post, I get a text from D. "She cheated on me."

W.T.F. I hate you, world.

As if my opinion of her couldn't sink any lower, it just did. As Brad Pitt says in Moneyball, "There are rich teams, and there are poor teams. Then there's 50 feet of crap. And then there's us." That's her.

I called him and offered my condolences. As much as I wanted to say, "Jesus, man, DTMFA!", I didn't. I told him the truth. That I was really sorry this happened, it sucked, and my heart broke for him. That I wanted him to be happy, and this wasn't fair at all to him.

He was a mess. "What do I do?"

I told him I wasn't in a position to give him advice on the matter. (Fuck, I'm like the least qualified person to give advice regarding relationships.) I told him what she did was completely shitty. Lying about the cheating (by passing it off as a rumor), then coming clean a day later, and then being defensive about it was also a terrible thing.

What I really wanted to say: "Good. Fucking. Lord. What did you expect, dummy? You're in a long distance relationship with a girl 13 years younger (hello, daddy issues) and you're surprised this happened? The writing is on the wall. You two are at totally different points in your lives, yet you are living vicariously through her life, because the way she lives now is how you lived at that age. But because of your inability to face reality, you keep seeing her because she's not pressuring you to get marriedrightnow. She's playing you like a violin, and you're falling for it. Dump her skanky ass."

I did my best to cheer him up -- sending funny text messages, emails, etc. I kept my mouth shut, other than to tell him jokingly that I'd fuck her shit up if she hurt him again. (This is laughable because I'm unable to be physically violent with anyone.) And then I waited. 

I willed for that relationship status to change. I'd like to think it was because I really, really, REALLY dislike her and not because that damn torch will NOT BLOW OUT. But with each passing day, it stayed the same.

My favorite part was her update: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Um, lady, you betrayed, cheated, and LIED to your boyfriend. You have no right to use a Bible verse to justify your wrongdoing.

The last time I spoke to him, he said she was going to come to NY to grovel. (Which she should have done ASAP, not 3 weeks later, if she were a semi-decent human being.) And so she did, and that stupid relationship status didn't budge, and right now I want to scream and throw things at the window.

I hate myself right now. I hate myself for still being angry about all this, because if I were a mature adult, I'd be able to move on. But I can't. My heart doesn't listen to my brain, and I continue to cry inside for something that I never had because I was too chicken to speak up. 

I also hate myself for forcing myself to think of what an idiot he must be to take her back, and why would I ever want to be with a guy like that? I keep thinking the anger and resentment will extinguish the torch I keep clutching, even though it's obvious it'd never last in the real world.

I'm desperately trying to move on, but I have nothing else to occupy my thoughts. It blows my mind how I can be so logical in my brain, yet I can't live like I am.