You got away, got away, got away with things

Well, as if it couldn't get any worse, it has.

THE SAME DAY I wrote the last blog post, I get a text from D. "She cheated on me."

W.T.F. I hate you, world.

As if my opinion of her couldn't sink any lower, it just did. As Brad Pitt says in Moneyball, "There are rich teams, and there are poor teams. Then there's 50 feet of crap. And then there's us." That's her.

I called him and offered my condolences. As much as I wanted to say, "Jesus, man, DTMFA!", I didn't. I told him the truth. That I was really sorry this happened, it sucked, and my heart broke for him. That I wanted him to be happy, and this wasn't fair at all to him.

He was a mess. "What do I do?"

I told him I wasn't in a position to give him advice on the matter. (Fuck, I'm like the least qualified person to give advice regarding relationships.) I told him what she did was completely shitty. Lying about the cheating (by passing it off as a rumor), then coming clean a day later, and then being defensive about it was also a terrible thing.

What I really wanted to say: "Good. Fucking. Lord. What did you expect, dummy? You're in a long distance relationship with a girl 13 years younger (hello, daddy issues) and you're surprised this happened? The writing is on the wall. You two are at totally different points in your lives, yet you are living vicariously through her life, because the way she lives now is how you lived at that age. But because of your inability to face reality, you keep seeing her because she's not pressuring you to get marriedrightnow. She's playing you like a violin, and you're falling for it. Dump her skanky ass."

I did my best to cheer him up -- sending funny text messages, emails, etc. I kept my mouth shut, other than to tell him jokingly that I'd fuck her shit up if she hurt him again. (This is laughable because I'm unable to be physically violent with anyone.) And then I waited. 

I willed for that relationship status to change. I'd like to think it was because I really, really, REALLY dislike her and not because that damn torch will NOT BLOW OUT. But with each passing day, it stayed the same.

My favorite part was her update: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Um, lady, you betrayed, cheated, and LIED to your boyfriend. You have no right to use a Bible verse to justify your wrongdoing.

The last time I spoke to him, he said she was going to come to NY to grovel. (Which she should have done ASAP, not 3 weeks later, if she were a semi-decent human being.) And so she did, and that stupid relationship status didn't budge, and right now I want to scream and throw things at the window.

I hate myself right now. I hate myself for still being angry about all this, because if I were a mature adult, I'd be able to move on. But I can't. My heart doesn't listen to my brain, and I continue to cry inside for something that I never had because I was too chicken to speak up. 

I also hate myself for forcing myself to think of what an idiot he must be to take her back, and why would I ever want to be with a guy like that? I keep thinking the anger and resentment will extinguish the torch I keep clutching, even though it's obvious it'd never last in the real world.

I'm desperately trying to move on, but I have nothing else to occupy my thoughts. It blows my mind how I can be so logical in my brain, yet I can't live like I am.