Thursday, January 15, 2015

I don't go to sleep to dream

Okay, I know, I know, I am a terrible blogger and have completely forgotten about updating. Hell, I haven't even signed into read other people's blogs, so I'm totally behind on everyone's lives. (Although I'm happy to see BlueMoon is doing very well with BF! You give me hope for online dating. ;) And I need to write a post because D broke up with Jailbait (!) so I'm a little conflicted.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing today is that I keep having these extremely strange experiences while trying to wake up from sleep, whether it be a nap or overnight. Here's what happens:

  1. Alarm goes off. As per usual, I hit the snooze button.

  2. Alarm goes off again. This time I'm half awake so I reach over and hit the snooze to shut it off.

  3. I then get out of bed (or at least start the process of doing so), but I'm really not. Like my brain is seeing/experiencing waking up, but I'm not physically doing so. It's like I'm dreaming, but I'm not because it's like I'm hovering between consciousness and unconsciousness. For example, I'm experiencing getting out of bed, I walk to the bathroom, etc., but all the meanwhile physically I'm still under the covers. And some things will be off, like this morning as I was "in bed," I reached up to my neck and felt a necklace, but I wasn't actually wearing one.

  4. Alarm goes off again. I know what's going on, but I feel like I'm stuck in glue – like my brain is saying, "Get up, move your legs, move your arms!" and the nerve impulses from my brain are telling them to do so, but it's only happening in my "dream." And meanwhile I'm cognizant of the fact that I'm still in my nice warm bed. This morning it was particularly crazy because I knew this weird half awake dreaming thing was going on, and I was thinking, "Just keep shaking your legs and arms and you'll wake up and can get out of bed." But I couldn't.

I finally snapped out of it (after like 5 alarm pushes) and was able to get up. But this happens a LOT to me. It seems to correlate with the ambient temperature in my room – I keep it pretty cold overnight (60) and have it set to 68 for when I wake up at 7... but it's a computerized system that makes the heat turn on around 6 (which is stupid because it doesn't take an hour for my 700 sq foot apartment to warm up ;). So when my alarm goes off, I'm actually quite hot under the covers... which in the past has triggered some crazy ass nightmares and stuff.

What the hell do I do about this? It's starting to become really scary, because I almost feel like if I were ever in a state of semi-consciousness (say, if I were in shock from a car accident) and needed to stay awake, I wouldn't be able to do so because my brain is tricking me into thinking I am when I'm really not. Any neurologists here that can provide some insight? :)

Post title song reference: "Sleep to Dream" - Fiona Apple

Thursday, March 20, 2014

And I will consider you gone

So Aiden just defriended me on Facebook. I was wondering when that was going to happen, I suppose 2+ months after going AWOL is an appropriate amount of time. It's weird, last night I was browsing around on my phone and a bunch of tagged photos of him came up on my timeline. Stupid me, clicking on them: "Damn, he was cute. Is cute. Whatever." Then, this morning, he disappeared from my FB chat list (not like I ever used it to contact him, he just showed up at the top because of the alphabetical listing), and thus I found out I'd been cut off. See? THIS is why I didn't want to accept his friend request in the first place!!!

I keep wishing I had five seconds, face-to-face with him, just to spit out, "You're a coward, you know that?!" and then turn and walk away. That, or just make eye contact, give him a hurt/dirty look, and go about my business. Just to let him know that, NO, it's not okay to just stop talking to someone and pretend that substitutes for being mature and saying, "Hey, I don't think this is going to work out. Blah blah blah." There. Closure.

On the brighter side, I've been chatting with a guy on OKCupid and he seems nice. Another one just messaged me with an actual message (e.g., talking about something we have in common and sounding normal rather than "hey sexy"), so that's promising.

Plus, tomorrow I'm leaving this frozen pit of mud to a tropical destination for six days. In times past I haven't drank on these types of outings because of my stupid fear of empty calories (another one of my many insecurities), but maybe this time I'll swap the tortilla chips for alcohol.

Post title song reference: "Gone" - Ben Folds

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

My heart is sick of being in chains

First things first: F*** winter. I am so done with this shit. Not only is it snowing, but the temperature has been steadily 10 degrees below average and isn't forecasted to get much higher anytime soon.

Secondly: The dark monster known as depression has slithered out of its hidey-hole and sunk its claws into me. I was feeling somewhat good because I went back on OKCupid and a really cute, interesting-sounding guy came up in my search results. After a few days of me pondering the pros and cons of being forward, I gave in and sent him a quick note. Has he replied? Of course not. And depression LOVES a good rejection, so it happily munched on that and spit back some self-doubt in my face: "See? No one wants you. Aiden couldn't even tell you why he decided to go AWOL, there must be something seriously wrong with you."

It sounds dramatic and it's SO easy for my friends to say, "You can't think like that! You have to be positive and love will come to you!" I know they're trying to be helpful, but seriously, when they say that, I feel like I'm being kicked while I'm down because I *can't* turn it around. It's not that easy when you've got a dark creature inside trying to undermine your well-being. And then I feel guilty for thinking that, because it feels like I'm not trying hard enough: I'm not "prospecting" frequently enough, I get tunnel vision on one guy, I don't "love myself" enough, etc. etc.

And what really bothers me is that I feel like I've banked enough depression, rejection, and heartache that SOMETHING good needs to happen and balance it out in a karma-esque way. But it hasn't happened, and I'm starting to wonder if it ever will.

Post title song reference: "Crucify" - Tori Amos

Friday, February 14, 2014

Olympic fever

I love watching the Olympics. Hearing more and more about how corrupt the IOC is has tainted my love a little bit (not to mention my extreme dislike for Jailbait and her bullshit summer sport, which should have been cut years ago), but I still love seeing the shock and happiness on the athletes' faces who didn't expect to win, or the seeing the ones who were the first from their country to medal in a sport (U.S. luge!).

And I have to say, I love love love watching the Canadian fans. They are the most enthusiastic and patriotic people ever, and they're always jumping and cheering like crazy with their flags, even in non-hockey matches. :) (Plus their athletes tend to rock, so that helps.) Seriously, they're amazing. I love Canada, I'd live there if it weren't so damn cold. ;)  (Sorry Ash!)

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

I don't know if it's the craptastic weather we're having, the fact I'm depressed (partially due to said weather), or getting older, but I am TIRED. And my scumbag body declared this week to be Insomnia Week, so I also can't sleep. My feet are always cold, but then my body gets hot, and I end up tossing and turning to get to sleep and then waking up several times during the night -- too hot, too cold, stupid neighbors' cats upstairs making a racket, etc.

It doesn't help that I'm bored. Bored enough to wallow in some self-pity and feed the internal demon known as Doubt that I wasn't good enough for Aiden (shut UP, overthinking brain! You're not helping!), and yet still not motivated enough to log onto OKCupid and start being proactive about this online dating schtick.

Plus I'm really craving a doughnut right now, and having a Dunkin Donuts in my office lobby is not helping. The only thing that's keeping me from getting one is the fear of it going straight to my ass, plus knowing that Girl Scout cookies are set to arrive soon, and those will be taunting me every day for a month. Being a former fat kid really f***s with your psyche sometimes.

Post title song reference: "Fix You" - Coldplay

Thursday, January 30, 2014

On a lighter note...

This kind of reminds me of the "How I Met Your Mother" episode with Marshall and the magazine...

In my office, the cleaning crew comes around during the workday since we have sensitive documents on the floor (that SHOULD be locked up at night but people are stupid). On top of that, each cleaning person has to have an escort follow them around because of said sensitive material – you know, to make sure they're not stealing government secrets. (I can't imagine a worse job – you're not actively doing anything other than watching someone clean.)

Anyway, the cleaning lady for my floor isn't the greatest. Most of the time I see her in the bathroom, talking on the phone about how "her keeeds" (kids) are driving her crazy. When she is working, it's fairly half-assed, and she's usually blasting her music so loud I can hear it through her headphones 25 feet away. But hey, I had a summer job as a cleaning person when I was 16, and it's a sucky deal, so I can't criticize too much...?

One of you guys (either obx or Ash) had a list of their "picky" behavior awhile back, and one of them I can totally identify with: not being able to go to the bathroom on the same floor you work on because of co-worker interaction. It is kind of weird, and even more awkward when there are strange noises emanating from one of the stalls and you have to decide: finish up, wash your hands super fast and get the hell out of there, or try not to make eye contact when Farty McGee emerges because you couldn't pull off option 1.

Or hear, in this case...

Most times I've been able to avoid it, because the fail-safe is to wait until the other person leaves if you want to avoid face time, but it sucks when the person stays in there. Like the cleaning lady.

Even when the cleaning lady isn't gabbing on her phone in the bathroom, I swear she knows when I'm there. We have two ladies' rooms on our floor, and it doesn't matter which one – she shows up right as I sit down for a long-term visit. Lately I've been playing it safe and using the floor below me to avoid her, but it's kind of a pain since I have to punch a code in twice just to travel between floors.

The other morning, I was putting my lunch in the office fridge when she started to wash the floor in the kitchen, so I thought "Perfect! This will take her at least 10 minutes to finish, so I can go to the bathroom in peace."

NOPE. Two minutes later, after I've sat down, she comes in the bathroom and starts cleaning the sinks! WTF. And it was really uncomfortable because my only option was to hurry it up so maybe she woldn't know I've been pooing, since that's apparently all I do since she's always here while I'm doing that!

I guess this means going back down to the fifth floor...

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I guess something just got lost, and it deeply saddens me

I'm starting to think I will never, ever find a guy.

After a good month and a half of going out with Aiden, he started doing the fade out thing. This really sucked, because at this point I was feeling more comfortable with him and really starting to like him. It started around New Year's, when I texted him on NYE asking if he wanted to hang out the next day. I didn't hear back from him until the next afternoon, and he was apparently so hungover that he had just woken up. Fine, understandable. I suggested Thursday, and he told me the next afternoon that he was still feeling sick, might be coming down with something, etc.

OK, that's fine. I left Aiden alone for the next several days, then texted him the next week asking how he was feeling. He told me he was feeling better but still had had a rough week, so I commiserated and asked him if there was anything I could do. His response: "No worries, I'll get over it." Okayy... does this mean your mom died, you lost your job, you got a cancer diagnosis? I realize he's a guy and I don't want to press the issue, so I tell him I'm sorry and hope things will get better soon.

I don't hear from him for the next few days, which is definitely not like him considering we were texting nearly every day. I go out with friends that Saturday, and we ended up at a bar near his apartment, so I texted him and mentioned I was at a bar with my friends if he was bored. I heard back from him as I was heading home, saying he had met up with an old friend and was heading home as he had to get up early. We text back and forth a few times, joking like old times, then I go to bed.

The next day I get horrible news from my parents: one of our close family friends died very unexpectedly. I was shell shocked and stunned. Since Aiden knew of the friend (I had told him about him and what a great person he was), I texted him and said, "Hey, my turn for a shitty week! ___ died. Was in for surgery and died in the hospital."

F***ing FOUR HOURS LATER, he texts back: "Jesus, that's terrible."

Really?!? I consoled you for having an ambiguously crappy week (since you didn't tell me what the hell happened), and this is your response. How about, "I'm sorry, that's terrible, are you OK?"

What. The. F.

I was pissed and wanted to see if he'd show some sort of empathy: "I'm completely shocked, I can't believe this happened. He wasn't much younger than my parents." No response.

I spent the next few days burying myself in work and trying not to cry. Tuesday I get a text from him: "How are you holding up?" I waited two days and my response was short: "I'm okay, all things considered." All things considered, like a super close family friend just died and now the guy I'm dating is ignoring me.

I texted something arbitrary/funny to him on Saturday to see if he'd bite, and while I got a response, I didn't get anything else out of it. Finally I said, "Eff it. I have nothing left to lose at this point," and decided to mention the 800 lb gorilla – that I felt like my communication with him was becoming more and more futile. Not surprisingly, no response to that.

I know I didn't do anything glaringly wrong, like most of us girls are guilty of at one point or another. I didn't drunk text him stupid stuff, I didn't smother him, I didn't sleep with him, I showed enough interest but not TOO much, but obviously I stopped being good enough for him. And that hurts.

I hate not having closure, and this is such a cowardly way for a guy to bail out. He was really into me. I'm not just saying that, but the signs were there. And all of a sudden, they weren't. I know I said before that I was really freaking out over the attention, but by the third date I got accustomed to it and felt I was doing okay emotionally.

Now I'm just... sad. Sad because I should have been making an effort to date other guys at the same time to have something to fall back on. Sad because the one time I needed someone to lean on, he wasn't there. Sad because a friend who wasn't even a blood relative but did SO much for my family and was the nicest, most generous person I've met is suddenly gone.

2014 is off to a great start. :(

Post title song reference: "Argue" - Matchbox Twenty