First things first: F*** winter. I am so done with this shit. Not only is it snowing, but the temperature has been steadily 10 degrees below average and isn't forecasted to get much higher anytime soon.
Secondly: The dark monster known as depression has slithered out of its hidey-hole and sunk its claws into me. I was feeling somewhat good because I went back on OKCupid and a really cute, interesting-sounding guy came up in my search results. After a few days of me pondering the pros and cons of being forward, I gave in and sent him a quick note. Has he replied? Of course not. And depression LOVES a good rejection, so it happily munched on that and spit back some self-doubt in my face: "See? No one wants you. Aiden couldn't even tell you why he decided to go AWOL, there must be something seriously wrong with you."
It sounds dramatic and it's SO easy for my friends to say, "You can't think like that! You have to be positive and love will come to you!" I know they're trying to be helpful, but seriously, when they say that, I feel like I'm being kicked while I'm down because I *can't* turn it around. It's not that easy when you've got a dark creature inside trying to undermine your well-being. And then I feel guilty for thinking that, because it feels like I'm not trying hard enough: I'm not "prospecting" frequently enough, I get tunnel vision on one guy, I don't "love myself" enough, etc. etc.
And what really bothers me is that I feel like I've banked enough depression, rejection, and heartache that SOMETHING good needs to happen and balance it out in a karma-esque way. But it hasn't happened, and I'm starting to wonder if it ever will.
Post title song reference: "Crucify" - Tori Amos
Ergh, I do appreciate my well-meaning friends' advice to not worry, and I've certainly been on the giving end of that advice. But it is hard when you can't TURN OFF your anxiety or depression. Wouldn't it be great if you could just flip a switch? But you said it well when you describe it as a "dark creature trying to undermine your wellbeing."
ReplyDeleteI won't offer any cliche advice, but I'll commiserate. Dating, especially online dating where flaking is encouraged, is a pain in the ass. :/
Blah! If it makes you feel any better, me sending the first message when online dating has only backfired for me as well. Especially the time where it led me to date a people-pleasing guy for 6 months...I adored him but think it went on for so long because he felt bad about breaking up with me!
ReplyDeleteAs much as being stuck in that mindset sucks, it's good for you to get out there and explain it like this. It helps me see people in a different light when they have explain a perspective I previously didn't understand. I'm not very empathetic with one of my friends who is always negative about her dating life...but maybe she can't help it either and it's a very hard/impossible thing for her to turn around too. Here's to hoping you feel better soon! :-) I think one thing that's a good mindset for all of us girls to pick up is to not allow a love (or like, or interested) feeling to develop for a guy until he shows he loves (or likes, or is interested in) you!