So tell me why it doesn't feel the same

Why does love have to be so %*$#ed up?

Aiden just friend requested me on Facebook, and I immediately felt this pit of dread in my stomach. It's too soon! I've known you for less than a month! I can't accept it yet.

I felt such a spark before that first date with him... probably because I psyched myself up for it. Now that I know he likes me, I feel like it's having the opposite effect. I can't quite put my finger on it... I try to rationalize it by thinking, "if I like him back, I'm setting myself up for potential heartbreak, so my feelings are legit." But I don't even know if I really, truly like him in the same way he likes me.

(I suppose I could chalk some of this up to antidepressants... any psych people out there want to chime in? ;)

He's cute, funny, super smart, and overall a good guy. But there's something missing... [over]confidence? A tiny bit of cockiness? Thinking back on the guys I had crushes on (not necessarily dated, sadly), the ones that I was the most attracted to were charismatic and outgoing. I haven't seen that yet in Aiden. Put it this way -- I'm not jumping up and down with anticipation for him to meet my friends, because I think it'd be really awkward.

On the other hand, I think he's picked up on the fact that *I'm* a little broken, and this is hard for me. As you can tell, I'm not the most smooth person when it comes to dating... I'm super awkward and clueless, even at the age of 30. And yet he's not scared off by this total ineptitude I posess. That, or he just wants to get in my pants, ha.

I don't know what to do about the FB request. If I keep putting it off, he's going to ask why, and I'll have to tell him I don't want to share that with him yet... and possibly expose my lack of feelings for him.



Post title song reference: "Why Pt. 2" - Collective Soul

Mobile post

Downloaded a Blogger app for my phone, so trying to see if this works!

To make things interesting, I managed to torture myself by looking at D's Facebook profile and feeling some satisfaction that he no longer had Jailbait in his photo, plus the "In a relationship" line was gone.

Unfortunately, his Twitter feed is still full of stupid lovey-dovey PDA between the two. I'm 90% sure he's moved to be with her, which I shouldn't be surprised about considering I'm the one who encouraged him to do it, but it still sucks. It sucks because despite the fact that he essentially screwed me over and broke promises to be with a cheating 20 year old, I still miss him. I compare how attracted I am to D versus Aiden, and D wins. Am I biologically designed to be drawn to complete assholes or something? Because D is most definitely one. A sexy asshole, but an asshole nonetheless.

As far as I'm concerned, he and Jailbait deserve each other... but it doesn't make it any easier.