A couple days ago I had a decent structure to this post, but the words aren't coming to me. (I even had a great post title, and I can't remember it.) The past two weeks have been stressful at work, and I ran out of one of my antidepressants, which I thought wouldn't affect me (it's a VERY low dose primarily to target anxiety). Yeahhh... it wasn't until I started sobbing when a Journey song came on the car radio that I realized I probably need them more than I thought. Oops.
Okay, it's sorta coming back to me. I think the gist of my post was I'm freaking out a tiny bit over a guy. Okay, I'm freaking out a lot. I met a guy a couple weeks ago at a bar, and we really hit it off. (I guess I need to give him a fake name.... let's go with Aiden.) He walked me to the subway and we traded numbers, etc. etc.
Anyway, we went out on Wednesday. I was completely strung out, though - I had a ridiculous day and hadn't eaten much, so I was super nervous that we wouldn't have anything to talk about. Fortunately, after a couple drinks things had smoothed out, and it went really well.
Unfortunately, for the past several days prior, my face thought it'd be really funny to be a total jerk and not only generate flaky dry patches but some very inconvenient, very RED zits on my face, and I was super self-conscious about it. There's only so much makeup can do, and standing on the harsh fluorescent lights on the subway completely killed any self-confidence I had at the end of the night. Thanks skin!
So I guess it went well. He wants to see me again, so we're going to dinner Sunday night.
This sounds dumb, but I'm scared now. I really like him, but I don't want to screw this up because I overthink EVERYTHING. I'm so used to bottling up my emotions and closing myself down that to do otherwise is downright foreign. Because of that, I feel like I need exact instructions on how to do this successfully: If there's no logical, "right" procedure that I'm supposed to follow, I can't do it... I feel awkward if I don't.
Even worse, I've never had real romantic "first kiss" with a guy on a date. (Good lord, that is sad.) So I am completely freaked out about the idea of kissing Aiden on Sunday night. Like it's going to be weighing on me throughout the entire meal, because right now I don't feel any desire to... not that I don't find him attractive, I do. But it's almost like my emotions have been tampered down for so long that the idea of someone actually liking me back is a frightening, foreign notion. And thinking about sleeping with him puts me into a full blown panic attack.
Anyway. That's enough rambling for now. Cross your fingers for me that I don't blow it too badly. ;)
Post title song reference: "The Fear" - Lily Allen
I'm catching up on the Aiden story and I think I could have written this post myself. Between the low dose drugs to target anxiety (which I randomly quit for a month to bad consequences and am now back on), and the being terrified after GOOD dates because you like a guy and anticipate the over-analysis about to come.
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