It's stupid… it's not like I was in an unhealthy, abusive relationship à la 50 Shades of Grey (which I haven't read, but this review sums it up hilariously). I don't have any psychological reason for feeling the way I do, other than the fact I've spent nearly my entire adulthood being self-sufficient and independent. (I'm so stupidly/stubbornly independent that I once hand carried six 12 can fridge packs of Diet Coke and two shopping bags of groceries out to my car in one trip despite people offering to help... the next day I realized I had pulled muscles in both my arms.)
Last night I had my second date with Aiden. We had a great dinner at a French restaurant and lots of laughs. After that we walked over to a sculpture garden, despite it being roughly 25 degrees outside, then over to the Metro since it was getting absurdly cold. He put his arm around me at that point, and it just felt weird. I'm not a very touchy-feely person even with my family and close friends (save for hugs and stuff), so it threw me for a loop – like, "Good god, now I can't think of what I was going to say because I'm too focused on the fact that his arm is around me and how positively alien it feels." [Headdesk.]
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| Me, apparently. |
Anyway, we get down to the subway if only to get out of the wind/cold and sit around and talk. He had his arm around me again, but when we were talking I couldn't look him in the eye because inwardly I was chastising myself for being such a weenie and at the same time wondering why I didn't feel anything inside other than discomfort. Whatever giddiness I felt when I first met him is now cold, hard, scared-shitless steel. I don't know if it's 10+ years of [relatively mild] antidepressants that have dulled my ability to have a positive response to someone's else attention, or just the general feeling of "Meh" I have to anything that I haven't revved myself up for, but it's an awful feeling to have... no feeling.
That fortress I've used so successfully in the past to prevent myself from getting hurt by shutting people out is now preventing me from moving forward. All I've ever wanted was a boyfriend. (I know, there are so so so many things wrong with that statement, but when you're a total dork in high school and college is full of simply NSA hookups, you tend to start feeling like there's something inherently wrong with you.) And now that I've been presented with the opportunity, my response is to stick my head in the sand.
We finally get on the train and he gets off at the next stop. Before he leaves I give him a hug and a peck on the lips, because at that point that was all I could do in the middle of a subway car without having a nervous breakdown. Then, once the train pulled away, I started to cry. I don't know why I did, it just happened. Later he texted me to make sure I had gotten home OK, and we shared a joke about the unreliability of our subway system, so at least he doesn't resent me... right? I can't really process much more right now.
Post title song reference: "Crucify" - Tori Amos
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