My heart is sick of being in chains

First things first: F*** winter. I am so done with this shit. Not only is it snowing, but the temperature has been steadily 10 degrees below average and isn't forecasted to get much higher anytime soon.

Secondly: The dark monster known as depression has slithered out of its hidey-hole and sunk its claws into me. I was feeling somewhat good because I went back on OKCupid and a really cute, interesting-sounding guy came up in my search results. After a few days of me pondering the pros and cons of being forward, I gave in and sent him a quick note. Has he replied? Of course not. And depression LOVES a good rejection, so it happily munched on that and spit back some self-doubt in my face: "See? No one wants you. Aiden couldn't even tell you why he decided to go AWOL, there must be something seriously wrong with you."

It sounds dramatic and it's SO easy for my friends to say, "You can't think like that! You have to be positive and love will come to you!" I know they're trying to be helpful, but seriously, when they say that, I feel like I'm being kicked while I'm down because I *can't* turn it around. It's not that easy when you've got a dark creature inside trying to undermine your well-being. And then I feel guilty for thinking that, because it feels like I'm not trying hard enough: I'm not "prospecting" frequently enough, I get tunnel vision on one guy, I don't "love myself" enough, etc. etc.

And what really bothers me is that I feel like I've banked enough depression, rejection, and heartache that SOMETHING good needs to happen and balance it out in a karma-esque way. But it hasn't happened, and I'm starting to wonder if it ever will.



Post title song reference: "Crucify" - Tori Amos

Olympic fever

I love watching the Olympics. Hearing more and more about how corrupt the IOC is has tainted my love a little bit (not to mention my extreme dislike for Jailbait and her bullshit summer sport, which should have been cut years ago), but I still love seeing the shock and happiness on the athletes' faces who didn't expect to win, or the seeing the ones who were the first from their country to medal in a sport (U.S. luge!).

And I have to say, I love love love watching the Canadian fans. They are the most enthusiastic and patriotic people ever, and they're always jumping and cheering like crazy with their flags, even in non-hockey matches. :) (Plus their athletes tend to rock, so that helps.) Seriously, they're amazing. I love Canada, I'd live there if it weren't so damn cold. ;)  (Sorry Ash!)

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

I don't know if it's the craptastic weather we're having, the fact I'm depressed (partially due to said weather), or getting older, but I am TIRED. And my scumbag body declared this week to be Insomnia Week, so I also can't sleep. My feet are always cold, but then my body gets hot, and I end up tossing and turning to get to sleep and then waking up several times during the night -- too hot, too cold, stupid neighbors' cats upstairs making a racket, etc.

It doesn't help that I'm bored. Bored enough to wallow in some self-pity and feed the internal demon known as Doubt that I wasn't good enough for Aiden (shut UP, overthinking brain! You're not helping!), and yet still not motivated enough to log onto OKCupid and start being proactive about this online dating schtick.

Plus I'm really craving a doughnut right now, and having a Dunkin Donuts in my office lobby is not helping. The only thing that's keeping me from getting one is the fear of it going straight to my ass, plus knowing that Girl Scout cookies are set to arrive soon, and those will be taunting me every day for a month. Being a former fat kid really f***s with your psyche sometimes.




Post title song reference: "Fix You" - Coldplay