Thursday, July 25, 2013

Maybe I just feel too much

Depression is such a selfish beast. It'll sit there dormant while everything in life seems to go right, and then when a few wrong things happen in a row, it lurches out of the darkness, grabs ahold of your soul, and sucks you back down with him. That's kind of how I feel like now... sliding down the tar pit of bummed-out-ness.

British guy from OKC never messaged me back. I completely went against my own rule and messaged him a second time (over two weeks after I sent the first, so it wasn't like I did it immediately), just to see he'd bite. I figured I had a 0% chance of response if I didn't ping him, and if I did send a message, the worst outcome would still be 0%. But I should have figured a guy with a "red" response rate isn't going to give anyone a chance. I know I shouldn't take these things so personally, but I'm sitting here tearing up because I don't feel good enough. Over one guy... stupid, right? :-/


Sometimes I wish I had gone to grad school years ago, because at the least I'd be back in an environment where you meet guys and establish a friendship before actually going out. I feel like my online personality is different from my real life persona, and I can't seem to get the two to match up. It was the same way when I did kickball – I felt much more comfortable meeting people there because the bar scene was so relaxed and casual. Unfortunately the league I played in self-destructed and it's full of 22 year olds now.

In other news, last week I logged into my credit card account to find some purchases I definitely didn't make. This is the third time in 5 years that my credit card number has been stolen! I think I'm extremely vigilant about using my card safely, yet for some reason my damn number has been up for grabs. It's getting tiresome... thankfully it hasn't affected my credit score or anything, but it's still a nuisance and a little (okay, a LOT) unsettling.

Annnnd now my manager is griping at me because one of our analytics applications is running slowly, probably because they've added like 150 websites and are tracking too many. So that's my fault that our server can't handle that kind of load, and I'm getting flack for it. "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job..."
Friday, you can't come soon enough!




Post title song reference: Foo Fighters - End Over End

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Fighting the battle of who could care less

Also known as, "Adventures in OKCupid messages."

10 days into logging back into OKCupid, and not much on the horizon. I've gotten plenty of visitors and a handful of messages, but unfortunately quality != quantity.

For example, one message I got last Saturday consisted of: "Princess, I'm taking you out for dinner and dancing. On me, of course. Call 555-555-5555 blah blah blah."

Princess? Only my mom calls me that, and even then I don't like it.

And then we have the overachievers... there's the guy that sent me two messages in the span of 6 hours (and keeps visiting my profile), and another that sent me a message that said, "Hi, I'm ___. Pleased to meet your acquaintance." I deleted it, because he sounded like a scammer, and the next day I received ANOTHER message from him: "Did you get my last message?" SRSLY?!

And the best one so far -- I couldn't delete this one fast enough -- "You look like a dominant submissive. Am I right?" (WTF? Isn't that kind of an oxymoron...?)



[Headdesk.]

I have responded to a couple of messages (I have a little trivia question on my profile, and lots of them try to answer it. Unfortunately, it's kind of nerdy, so it attracts nerds). Some seem to have potential, but overall I still seem to be attracting duds. And, go figure, the couple of guys I've initiated contact with don't reply. Go figure. I really wish cute-possibly-British-guy would respond, but I also didn't give him much to go on... plus I did it before I updated my information and photos, so he probably saw my not-so-great old phot (provided he checked my profile!). I dunno, sucks that the few guys I'm immediately turned off by are either 1) cowards afraid of women taking initiative, or 2) I suck.
 
On a side note relating to OKCupid, here's something crazy: last night when I was on my bike ride, I passed a guy walking out of his apartment building over to his motorcycle. I smiled at him, he smiled back, and as I pedaled away, I thought, "He's cute! Wow, he looks a LOT like one of the guys I have on my Favorites list." This morning, I went and checked, and I'm about 70% sure it's the same guy. He rides motorcycles and lists renovating his apartment in (that area of town where I was riding) as his interests, and I know for a fact that that apartment building is owner-only. Or I could be completely wrong and just ended up smiling at a random guy. ;)



Post title song reference: "Battle of Who Could Care Less" - Ben Folds Five

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Got my mind set on you

I made the mistake of buying a cupcake for dessert, eating 75% of it, and then finishing the rest a few hours later. I'm literally vibrating from the sugar overdose. I can't stop shaking my leg and I was starting to get a headache.

But man, it was SO GOOD. Chocolate and vanilla cream cheese marble cake with cream cheese frosting. DELISH. A reminder of why I only allow myself to have cake once in awhile, because I have no self control over sweets.

Anyway, Bluemoon's post about climbing out of the online dating pool in September reminds me that I need to get more involved in it. This past weekend, I went on OKCupid and updated some of my profile (considering I logged in maybe once a month, that's pretty big. And it apparently bumps your profile back up, because I started getting all these messages and visitors). I went to my favorites list, and (sad to say?) a lot of my favorites were still active. I don't know, maybe it's a good thing, considering I had only messaged one of them in the past six months. (He didn't respond.)

As I was "window shopping," I looked at this guy's profile that sounded amazing. I don't want to go into too much detail, but the more I read, the more excited I got: "Dude, he's SO FREAKING CUTE on paper! And in photos! And it sounds like he has an accent! AND HE HAS GLASSES!" (I've had a glasses fetish since I was like, 7. It's kind of sad/weird.)

And, go figure, I sent him a little message (nothing too serious), and he hasn't responded. Or checked out my profile.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Is this karma for me not replying to messages I've received? Granted, I haven't read most of them (I feel skeezy doing it at work, and my hard drive died on my laptop, so I've had to resort to my phone), but still. The ultimate men-and-women dating issue: why is he not interested when I express interest in him, and vice versa?

What I need to do is reply to messages that interest me, send a few messages to ones on my favorite list, and forget about the adorable guy and move along. Right? I'm going out for drinks with Noah tonight, the guy who used to work in my office... I like him but he's just really, really smart and I don't really feel much connection with him. We'll see.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

He's good at being what he's not, gives nothing away

And now for something completely superficial!

I've been so amazingly good at NOT checking D's Twitter feed or Facebook in the past couple of months. And I didn't wish him a happy birthday (easy to do since the asshat didn't send me one), so I was doing really well.

However, the other day I was playing around with my Twitter account and clicked on his name from a direct message sent about 2 years ago. I figured I had been good for so long that I could cheat one day... wrong.

One of his tweets from early in June said, "Our first ultrasound!" with a link to a photo of him and Jailbait next to a monitor. Fortunately, I had already seen the newer tweets that said, "It was a joke!", so I didn't immediately pass out. (She's an "athlete" for a living – I use that term loosely since her sport is pretty stupid and her parents pay for everything while she doesn't work or go to college – and presumably was getting an ultrasound for an injury or something.)

Seriously. What a sick fucking joke. She's fucking 21, for chrissakes. Could you imagine if her parents saw that tweet? I think mine would have killed me. (Hell, they'd have knocked some sense into me for dating a guy 13 years older than me when I was that age.)

Worse yet, people were saying, "Congrats!" to D, as if it were some giant blessing that he knocked up some chick who doesn't even have a college education or future beyond her "professional athlete" schtick. (Can you tell I'm still pissed at him for, well, everything? Not just the breaking my heart part, but letting some cheating skank charm him into giving up everything and drop the ball on the project I worked my ass off to help him with.) As I've probably said before, I'm equally as angry with myself for falling for his bullshit and false promises.

Anyway, on a more happy note... I am obsessed with this video. My grandmother used to have a Siamese when I was a little kid, who was one of the best, most tolerant cats ever... so I have a soft spot for the little blue-eyed cuties. Enjoy. :)








Post title song reference: Nikka Costa - "Push & Pull"

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Hatred passed on, passed on and passed on

This is going to be a little different (and late, considering the SCOTUS rulings were last week), but does anyone else get really disheartened when you see nasty, politically themed bumper stickers or plates? Specifically, I'm talking about these types:
Helloooo, crazy.

The other day I saw a guy with stickers on his car: "My dog bites Democrats," and "My cat is smarter than the President." Come on, dude, don't drag your poor animals into this!

And then, of course, there's this license plate, which really bothers me, because I'm relatively sure Ben Franklin did NOT envision the rattlesnake to be a symbol of ass-backwards-ness:

To be perfectly honest, the Tea Party frightens me. Even though Wikipedia defines them as a group that "advocates protection of the work of the founding fathers of the United States, reducing U.S. government spending and taxes, and reducing the U.S. national debt and federal budget deficit," I feel they certainly don't portray that message. All I hear is the garbage and hatred spewed by the likes of Michelle Bachman and Rush Limbaugh and the "they're gonna terk our guns!" crazies. I feel like since the radical anti-government, bigoted nutjobs have a socially acceptable, common ground with the TP (small government and conservative social values), they feel it's OK for them to express their prejudice publicly in the name of a political party:
"Tea Party members are not necessarily any more racist than typical white Americans, but that the movement's supporters are more likely to be, leading the researchers to conclude that, 'what the Tea Party means to its members and what it represents to the large public may, in fact, not be the same thing.' The study of survey data compiled in 2010 found that people who viewed the Tea Party favorably more often agreed with negative sentiments about African-Americans, than did the general population."
I know I'm supposed to be tolerant, that expressing dislike doesn't make me any better than them. I know everyone is entitled to their opinion and political views. But when these opinions and views are narrow-minded, homophobic, and fucking downright racist, it makes me furious. I get it: there are Tea Party members who aren't racist assholes. Yet not enough TP members are stepping up to refute the overt bigotry and prejudice, and it certainly doesn't help that those same people are against gay rights and think it's OK to make ridiculous laws to control women's bodies, so you know they're not very tolerant to begin with. ;)

I think what's triggering this semi-rant is 1) DOMA and Prop 8 being struck down (thank you, lawd!), 2) the Voting Rights being repealed (boo), and 3) when I was out biking on Saturday, I got angry honked at by a guy with a "Don't Tread on Me" sticker. For what reason, I don't know – it was a rural country road with low traffic, I was so far over to the right side of the road that I was practically in the gravel, and I had my blinky light on, so it's not like I riding at night and invisible. Maybe he was pissed because I was a woman and exercising instead of cooking dinner and doing laundry at home, where I obviously belonged! Ha.

Anyway. I suck at writing political opinion stuff, so sorry if it's hard to read. :)





Post title song reference: Rage Against the Machine - Settle for Nothing