Things we cannot change

Sorry for the brief hiatus, y'all. I spent about a week visiting my parents (who live 2000 miles away -- they moved away from my hometown several years ago), which was a nice break. Unfortunately my sister did not come out this year (she hasn't since 2010), as she's basically in a state of continual pissedoffness at my Dad for having to work at his part-time-post-retirement job. Whatevs, more food for me.

I also met someone I really wish I had met about three years ago. It's kind of a long story, so my apologies...

Background: Abby is the wife of my mom's best friend's nephew. Years ago, Mom told me that Abby's brother was very much like me and we should totally go out. Me, being pretty much opposed to my mother setting me up with ANYONE, said, "Uh, no thanks," especially hearing that he sounded like a total dork and way too much like me. (Besides the fact that he lived in the same town and thus 2000 miles away from me.)

Fast-forward to this summer. I was at a wedding for Mom's BFF's daughter and was chatting with Abby. Her brother (let's call him Blake) had moved out to the east coast, to a shitty New England town (trust me, I know of the town... it's a shithole) because his girlfriend took a job in the metropolitan city nearby. Abby was pretty upset over it, because his girlfriend is apparently VERY demanding, spoiled, and overall not a nice person. I guess Blake also hates his job and overall unhappy in ShitholeTown (he and Abby are close, so he frequently confides in her), so naturally Abby is concerned about him.

(Oh yeah, and my mom had already reiterated all of the above to me many times before this summer, because she's nosy, so it was no surprise when Abby told me all of that.)

Anyway, out of sheer curiosity I looked up Blake on Facebook. He was actually cute! Being the awkward dork that I am, I started following him on Twitter, and he followed me back. (It's funny -- he knew who I was, because he's actually spent time with my mom and dad via Abby.)

Fast-forward again to 10 days ago. I was helping my dad out with something and checking my Twitter feed when I noticed that Blake had tweeted a photo of Abby's new puppy. (Holy FREAKING CUTENESS.) I @ replied him back, saying something like "I'll trade places with you, I'm freezing my butt off here in ___!" (Truth. It was like 12 degrees.)

Next thing I know, I have a voicemail from an unknown number. Turns out it's Abby, saying she and her husband are having some friends over because Blake's in town, and they'd love for me to come over. I jumped at the chance, because it also meant meeting SUPER ADORABLE CUTE PUPPY. (Squeee!)

I end up going over (much to my mother's delight), I meet Blake (who IS cute), have a good time, yet feel super fucking awkward whenever I talked to him because I really wanted to say, "Hey, so I heard your girlfriend is a giant bitch, why the hell are you in that horrible-sounding relationship?" However, I didn't, and managed not to make a total fool of myself. The kicker is that he's funny, smart, and social guy, and I really enjoyed talking with him.

Unfortunately, that's about the end of it. He left for the east coast to visit evil GF's family (because she refuses to fly out to his state, because she hates it), and I go home, feeling somewhat dejected. Then my dear mom emails me yesterday, saying she had heard through her best friend that Abby actually liked Blake's evil GF (um, not from what I heard from Abby directly... she still can't stand her) and that he's a lost cause, especially now that they both live together in ShitholeTown. Yes, I already came to that conclusion, Mom, but you didn't have to rub my face in it.

Sigh. DAMMIT!

Ready, set, no

I'm starting to get really, really tired of meeting guys who at first seem to be single, but are actually in relationships. Case in point: I was at my office's Christmas party on Friday, and was talking with one of our new hires. He's super nice and cute. I find out later that he's fucking MARRIED and his wife is pregnant. However, he doesn't wear a wedding ring. What. The. Eff.

I've always maintained that there needs to be some sort of visual indicator that a guy is single or taken. Like those Stoplight Parties that were popular in college, people need to start making it blatantly obvious if they're available or not.

If you're in a committed relationship (whether it be marriage, had the DTR-talk-agreement, whatever), you need to be branded appropriately. Wedding ring, nametag, blinking red light on your crotch, whatever -- there needs to be some sort of visible sign that you're unavailable. It pisses me off to no end to meet a perfectly nice guy, only to find out half an hour later that he has a girlfriend. That's half an hour of flirting time that I've just completely wasted on a dude that's not on the market!

I'm not desperate to meet someone rightthissecond, but I hate inefficiency. (Not to mention getting my hopes shot down like a North Korean missile and feeling like a homewrecking dumbass.)

But then I just smile, I go ahead and smile

Weird. D has been completely MIA in the past three weeks or so -- no blog posts, no tweets, no Facebook updates. I called him last week and left a message just to make sure he was still alive (okay, and to possibly poke the bear to see if he'd fess up to taking Jailbait back, because he never told me directly), but nothing. I almost texted him [jokingly] asking if she was keeping him locked up in her basement, but decided against it.

Well, stupid Facebook managed to ruin my day. I unsubscribed D from my Newsfeed at least a year ago, which actually helped a LOT with [trying] to get over him. However, since he's been off the grid, I checked his profile today to see if he's resurfaced.

Good timing, Lis. Jailbait had written on his wall less than a hour before. Being the deep thinker she is, her post consisted of "<3". How romantic!

And me, being the immature, cranky-because-it's-only-Wednesday-but-feels-like-Thursday grump I am, decided to push her teenage declaration of love down the feed by sharing a video of a cat playing Ping-Pong. (In all fairness, I added the caption, "Why is this not on your sports blog yet?!", because it is pretty amazing.)

I'm going to feign innocence here. Oh, I didn't mean to shove down Jailbait's cute little heart icon! I really thought that video was worth sharing... my timing was just really bad. I'm sure her thoughfulness totally negates any and all pain she's caused you.

I know, I'm immature. I realize that I've accomplished nothing other than looking like a dork, but it kinda made me feel a little better.

But seriously, "<3"?

Well, I don't have any hesitations about THIS one...

I wish I had exciting news to report... such as, "I went to a theme party on Friday and met a freaking awesome guy who's amazing and we're going out this week." The first part is true. The second part is not-so-true.

I did go to a large hosted theme party on Friday. Unfortunately, I managed to catch the eye of a guy who, in the end, creeped me the fuck out by the end of the night.

Long story short – met and talked with some decent guys at this club-hosted party. (I love these types of events, because some people go all-out with their outfits/costumes... and then you have the girls that show up in not-theme-appropriate cocktail dresses and heels and look like fish out of water.) I talked to one guy (we'll call him Craig) for maybe a total of 5-10 minutes, and was interested enough that I was smiley and friendly to him whenever I saw him in passing.

However, the "after party" at a nearby bar was a different story. Craig was also there, but at this point in the evening he was looking for a hookup. I was not. In fact, I saw him being overly friendly with at least two other girls at the bar in the hour or so I was there. That alone dialed my interest down from about a 7/10 to a 4.

I found myself talking to him at the bar while I settled my tab, he kept being handsy and trying to rub my back and other creepy moves that I don't really enjoy being performed by guys I barely know. Then, as I was about to leave, Craig kept trying to hint that he wanted to go home with me. For example, "Why don't we share a cab back?" (We both live in the same part of the city, but different neighborhoods.) Me: "I'm actually walking home, thanks." Finally, as I reiterated MANY times that I was going home alone that night, he says, "I can't interest you in going home with me?" Me: "I'm too old for that kind of thing." [And you are, too, buddy.]

Side note: in truth, if I met a guy at a bar and was VERY into him physically, drunk as hell, and looking for a fling, then I might go home with him or at least make out for awhile. However, since my emotions were in check and Craig had already dropped to a 2 on my interest level thanks to the unasked-for touching, it was a big fat NO:  do not pass go, do not take off my clothes.

Finally, Craig does what he should have done in the FIRST PLACE, before propositioning me: asked me for my number. Me, being a wimp, give it to him, but leave feeling like I needed to take a shower and get the slime off my body.

Anyway, Craig called last night. I let it roll to voicemail, and then he left a text asking to get coffee or drinks. (No voice message? Come on.) Thanks, but no thanks. It's too bad, because I would have been perfectly willing to go out with him had he been a gentleman at the bar!

Gah. I mean, GAH! Why are guys so freaking weird sometimes?!

No mistletoe here

This past weekend I went to my company's Christmas holiday party. I'm not usually the "bring a date" type, but last year I took a co-worker with me. (I'm employed in the federal government through a contracting firm, and this guy was a regular federal worker/non-contractor.)  It was really fun, so I brought him along again this year.

(Shit, I need to think of a name for him. Let's go with Noah, since I don't know any Noahs in real life.)

The party itself was very similar to last year's – held in a museum, lots of food, excessive amounts of wine and beer, and a live band. Unfortunately the party was so short that we didn't get to see much of the museum, but it was fun to chat with my co-workers and people watch.

My manager asked if Noah and I were dating (there's no policy against this, so she didn't care either way – it was just out of pure curiosity), and I told her no. When Noah first arrived last year, I thought he was cute and really smart. Like, really smart. Way, way smarter than me. Has a master's degree, has written for the Huffington Post, did the Peace Corps, etc.

Even speaking with him outside of work, I just felt like I wasn't on the same intelligence level as him. As my sister’s friend once put it, "I felt like I had to read several newspapers before every date."

Don't get me wrong, I never felt like he was being condescending, but at the same time, I can't talk about stupid shit, like the South Park episode with Timmy and Gobbles the Turkey, because he probably doesn't even know what South Park is.

Back to the party. As we were walking out of the museum, I saw an exhibit and exclaimed, "Oh damn, I wish I knew that was here!" And Noah says, "It's okay, we can see it another time."

We? Another… time?

Oh, fuck.

He is SO nice, and kind, and cute… and I'm pretty sure he likes me... but I can't see myself dating him. He's not charismatic, like D is. He doesn't make me laugh. He's just so… serious. And I don't feel like I can be myself around him.

Meanwhile, I pine away for guys who aren't interested in me and/or are unavailable. It's messed up.

It ain't over 'til it's over

It's really hard for me to write this post, because some part of me is thrown back to 7th grade when I was asked to leave a lunch table group. 12-year-olds can be mean.

There are about 4-5 girls that I spent a lot of time with (happy hour, dinners, etc.) from 2010-2011. I basically got dropped by them last fall for no obvious reason. I tried to stay in touch and keep the friendship alive, but any emails/texts/calls were ignored. When I asked one of the girls who still talks to me what was going on, her response was "Oh, everyone's been busy." Fair enough. But then I started getting excluded from events, and the "busy" excuse fell apart.

It started with one girl's birthday party at a bar -- I wasn't invited, even when I asked her what was going on -- and then throughout the fall, I was left out of everything. One girl who had moved out of town came back for a weekend and they threw a party... and left me out. Any subsequent plans they made didn't include me. It's literally been over a year since I've seen two of them. It was to the point of where I had to hide them from my Facebook news feed because it felt like a knife in my back every time they posted a group photo of them being out and having fun without me.

I know part of is probably due to my hobby-that-takes-all-my-time and the many times in the past where I've said, "I can't, I have practice after work." As stupid as this sounds, I feel like they stopped including me because I wasn't cool enough for them... but odds are, they got tired of me declining invitations because of my double life. But it doesn't make things hurt any less.

The realist in me says to give up. The optimist in me wants to try and salvage SOMETHING, because I'm still friends with at least two of the girls, and it's awkward because they know I feel like I've been shunned. (That doesn't help, either -- feeling depressed and awful about life in general doesn't give off a good vibe.)

I know this makes them sound like they're bad people, but they're not. They were some of the nicest girls I've met, and I really think they just got sick of me being AWOL all the time.  :-/

Bullshit, LLC.

Yesterday I spent a significant amount of time trying to find blogs to follow. I ended up going through other blogs I've read sporadically, reading who THEY followed, and then adding them to my list.

It's somewhat of a relief to find that I'm not alone in all of this. I find myself identifying with everyone I added. I read through about two months' of One in a Blue Moon DC's posts, and was like, "Hey... that's so like ME!" I find myself in the same $#&*ing predicament all time -- meet perfectly nice guys, go out on dates with them... and then I find myself not attracted to them at all. It sucks.

And then, of course, there's the everyday stuff. I had to laugh at Onward and Upward's most recent post, because I through a similar situation a few days ago. Last year I borrowed a Macbook from work that I have yet to return. (It's cool, they know about it.) No one really cares that I've essentially commandeered it, because it's 5 years old and we have a slew of nearly-new Macbook Pros that everyone else prefer to use. Considering my own personal computer is coming up on 11 years old, a 5 year old laptop that's barely been used is considered a huge upgrade.

Anyway, the downside is that the operating system on the work Macbook (why is it that I keep typing Mackbook? Durh.) is considered a legacy system, and I couldn't even install Google Chrome on it. After minimal persuasion, my work recently ponied up the $20 to upgrade the OS. Sweeeeet.

Not-so-fast. The hard drive on this Mac is encrypted, and I couldn't figure out how to load the "unlocker" (for lack of a better term) before the DVD booted in order to install the OS. I had absolutely no luck finding documentation online for the encryption software, because they required registration to their site in order to search the help files.

Being pissed off enough that I couldn't immediately install the new OS, I registered myself using a fake name, and wrote in a fake company. I assumed it was an automated system that would just approve my login and I'd be on my merry way.

The next morning I get a real human being-written email from the encryption software people:

Dear Mr. Frobnitz,
   We were unable to verify your user registration using the company information you provided. Could you please check and resend us your information? For reference, here's what you provided:

First name: Ronald
Last name: Frobnitz
Company name: This is Bullshit.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Dan S.
Customer Support

Oops.

For the record, I found the documentation on a university website before receiving the email and discovered I had to decrypt the hard drive before installing the OS. Easiest way to decrypt? Uninstall the encryption software. Is that really so secretive that you felt the need to guard it behind a registration firewall? Nooo.

I'm doing this all backward, I know

I realized if anyone is going to read the pensieve* that is this blog, I should at least follow a few like-minded people. (Namely, young women like myself. Hopefully their lives are in better shape/order than mine is.) Anyway... welcome to my follow list! I promise not to be TOO terribly negative. I realize the last two posts were pretty harsh, but it's actually made me feel somewhat better. Healed? No. Sloooowly on the mend? Yes.


*I still don't know what to name this blog. Pensieve seems like an appropriate name, but it's probably way overdone with Harry Potter fan fiction writers' blogs.

You got away, got away, got away with things

Well, as if it couldn't get any worse, it has.

THE SAME DAY I wrote the last blog post, I get a text from D. "She cheated on me."

W.T.F. I hate you, world.

As if my opinion of her couldn't sink any lower, it just did. As Brad Pitt says in Moneyball, "There are rich teams, and there are poor teams. Then there's 50 feet of crap. And then there's us." That's her.

I called him and offered my condolences. As much as I wanted to say, "Jesus, man, DTMFA!", I didn't. I told him the truth. That I was really sorry this happened, it sucked, and my heart broke for him. That I wanted him to be happy, and this wasn't fair at all to him.

He was a mess. "What do I do?"

I told him I wasn't in a position to give him advice on the matter. (Fuck, I'm like the least qualified person to give advice regarding relationships.) I told him what she did was completely shitty. Lying about the cheating (by passing it off as a rumor), then coming clean a day later, and then being defensive about it was also a terrible thing.

What I really wanted to say: "Good. Fucking. Lord. What did you expect, dummy? You're in a long distance relationship with a girl 13 years younger (hello, daddy issues) and you're surprised this happened? The writing is on the wall. You two are at totally different points in your lives, yet you are living vicariously through her life, because the way she lives now is how you lived at that age. But because of your inability to face reality, you keep seeing her because she's not pressuring you to get marriedrightnow. She's playing you like a violin, and you're falling for it. Dump her skanky ass."

I did my best to cheer him up -- sending funny text messages, emails, etc. I kept my mouth shut, other than to tell him jokingly that I'd fuck her shit up if she hurt him again. (This is laughable because I'm unable to be physically violent with anyone.) And then I waited. 

I willed for that relationship status to change. I'd like to think it was because I really, really, REALLY dislike her and not because that damn torch will NOT BLOW OUT. But with each passing day, it stayed the same.

My favorite part was her update: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Um, lady, you betrayed, cheated, and LIED to your boyfriend. You have no right to use a Bible verse to justify your wrongdoing.

The last time I spoke to him, he said she was going to come to NY to grovel. (Which she should have done ASAP, not 3 weeks later, if she were a semi-decent human being.) And so she did, and that stupid relationship status didn't budge, and right now I want to scream and throw things at the window.

I hate myself right now. I hate myself for still being angry about all this, because if I were a mature adult, I'd be able to move on. But I can't. My heart doesn't listen to my brain, and I continue to cry inside for something that I never had because I was too chicken to speak up. 

I also hate myself for forcing myself to think of what an idiot he must be to take her back, and why would I ever want to be with a guy like that? I keep thinking the anger and resentment will extinguish the torch I keep clutching, even though it's obvious it'd never last in the real world.

I'm desperately trying to move on, but I have nothing else to occupy my thoughts. It blows my mind how I can be so logical in my brain, yet I can't live like I am.

If you love somebody, set them free

If you give someone advice, you should be prepared for them to take it.

Let's back up. After nearly a year of limited verbal communication with D (which was my decision) and several months since I last talked to him, we agreed to catch up over phone. I was hoping he'd say, "Wow, after spending a month fulltime with Jailbait, I realized how fucking annoying and immature she is." (Because all she talked about on Twitter was how lazy she was being, how much she was eating, and how wonderful her 'vacation' was.) Sadly, that was not the case.

"I'm at a crossroads in my life," D said. "I've been working for myself and living off my savings, and I can't do that anymore. I've been living this Peter Pan life for so long that I don't know what to do." 
Well, yeah, most of us couldn't do that in the first place. It doesn't help that your girlfriend also lives a similarly enchanted life funded by her parents.
"I need to find a job that excites me and makes me happy."
Heh. Don't we all?
"I just don't know what to do... I love New York so much, but I just spent the last month with Jailbait and it was AMAZING." [Shit.]

After a lukewarm ending to the conversation, I thought more about what he had said as I was trying to fall asleep. I then proceeded to write D an email the next morning, fully aware of the consequences it'd bring. Either he'd lash out and tell me to MYOFB (unlikely), he'd ignore me (highly likely), or he'd take it into consideration since he knew I was right (moderately likely).

Basically, I told D what most normal human adults do is have a hobby they care passionately about, and use their job to fulfill it. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a job that makes them happy enough to not need a similarly engrossing hobby. 

I then laid it out: You need to make a decision. If you truly love this underage, barely-graduated-from-high-school chick, then get up and move to AZ for her. Don't keep on playing this bullshit LDR game that guys seem to love. It's not fair to her and if you don't want change your life for her, you need to let go and allow her to move on with her life. God knows she has enough time to do so by not having a job or going to college.

As much as I dislike Jailbait, I kind of empathize with her and feel like she deserves a decision. Granted, she's a tramp with Daddy issues as evidenced by her sinking her claws into him so quickly, but she's still a girl and I have at least that much in common with her.

I think Lauryn Hill sums it up pretty well:

"I know that you don't wanna hear my opinion
But there come many paths and you must choose one
And if you don't change then the rain soon come
See you might win some, but you just lost one..."

Anyway. A week or so goes by, I hear nothing, so out of curiosity I sent him two job posting links -- one for a position in NY, and another for one in AZ. He responds back with a "thank you," and "you're so nice and sweet to send me those," (he's a charmer, what can I say?), and that he made the decision to move to Arizona and was looking for jobs there.

Surprisingly enough, my heart didn't immediately plummet to my feet and no bucket of ice water was thrown over my shoulders. I kinda knew this was the path he'd take, but deep, deep down I was hoping he'd stay. However, I didn't go off and start crying. The fact that I didn't do so made me realize that maybe, just maybe, I'm actually getting over him.

I still feel sad, because I do love D, which is why I sent that first email telling him to get a move on it. If he keeps doing this long distance crap with her, then there'll always be a part of me that will hope that eventually he'll get sick of her and dump her skinny, tattooed ass. Now that he's made a commitment, I can try and extinguish this flickering torch I've been holding for him and finally move on.

*names and places have been changed

Anony-blog

I've started this blog because I found that I'm never able to convey what I feel on paper. At the same time, I'm a pretty conservative person and don't vocalize my feelings, yet knowing that someone out there may read them and empathize... well, knowing that makes me feel a little less alone.

I have a regular blog that's attached to my real identity, but I can't write anything personal on there because I don't want people to know about issues I'm going through. The majority of my old "journal" is full of frustrations relating to guys, and if I wrote about them on something that can be traced back to me... it'd piss people off. Venting about what crap I go through without fear of exposing those I'm friends or enemies with makes the process a lot more therapeutic.

Here's what you need to know about me. I'm a single girl in her late 20s, living in a metropolitan city. I have a great job that I love and make a decent amount of money. I have a sporting hobby that takes up a significant amount of time, and it's to the point of where it's affected my personal life because it takes up all my time. I struggle to find that balance of what makes me happy now and what will make me happy in the long term. I keep hoping that the "long term" part will eventually include a guy, but I seem to be really, really good at screwing things up.

I'm sure I'll write about "D," a guy I met last year. I fell for him, but didn't have the guts to tell him because the friendship was still new. I went away on a business trip, and after I returned, I find out he started "sort of seeing" a 20 year old girl who lives 1500 miles away. (He's in his 30s, by the way.) Instead of keeping my mouth shut, I ended up telling him I liked him, which he admitted to liking me as well... but it was too late. And, unfortunately for me, I tried my damnedest to cut off contact, but my stupid heart won't allow for it.

So. Maybe you can identify with me, maybe not. I'm tired of keeping it all bottled up inside and letting it eat away at me. I hope writing it down can help relieve some of that anger and sadness that seems to have moved in.