I did wake up with the same feeling of sadness from thinking about D. I don't understand how someone who I never even had has broken my heart so efficiently. It's not fair. Here I am: a smart, independent, financially secure, attractive young woman who has so much to offer, and instead he picked some girl 13 years younger than him who still lives off her parents and doesn't even go to college. The same chick who CHEATED ON HIM. The same girl who has no interest in changing her life for him, even though he's willing to uproot himself and move across the country to be with her. That is not how relationships are supposed to be. It's entirely one-sided: she's played him, broken his trust and heart, yet he still wants to be with her. It is Not. Fair.
I suppose it's good that he's gone MIA and doesn't return the one arbitrary text I sent him last week. I can go for days without thinking about D and feel okay, and then for a week straight I'll feel nothing but bitter and angry at her for being such a terrible person. It's not that I want him to break up with her to be with me, but so she gets hurt. I want Jailbait to feel what I felt when I was shot down last year by D, after months of grappling with my feelings, putting myself out there, and ultimately getting rejected.
It seems like it's always this way: the horrible girls get the guy (case in point: Blake), while the decent ones end up lost and alone. And as a result, it eats away at me and makes me ugly inside, which reflects outwardly.
I know the cure for something like this is finding a new guy. Yet I have absolutely no desire to get on OKCupid and go on dates. I can't sit here and feel sorry for myself when I'm not willing to get off my ass and make the effort to bury my feelings of animosity. I wish I had one of those neuralyzers from Men in Black that makes you forget things and puts you in a hypnotic state. I wish I could forget everything about D and be told to move on with my life.
I suppose that's progress: I wanted to change myself, rather than fantasizing about taking a neuralyzer and zapping D so he'd forget he ever met Jailbait. ;-)
Ugh. hugs and more hugs. This is a terrible feeling that I know well. It's cliche but true: time heals all things. Sooner or later you'll realize you haven't cried over him or thought as obsessively about him in a while, you'll cry again, then you'll think later, wow it's been even longer since the last time I cried. Don't go date - that'll make it worse. Take some time for yourself. Heal. Get through this before you even think about taking someone else on - you owe that to yourself. Lastly, if it's any consolation, this will blow up in both their faces - just watch. By that time, you will likely have moved on but will, I'm sure, get some satisfaction out of knowing you're in a better place and they're at square one. This too shall pass - I promise. Work on you. Easier said than done but you'll be happy you put in the time and effort.
ReplyDeleteAlso, delete him from your life. No facebook, texting, twatting, what have you. Just resist the urge to check in on him.
DeleteI have, partially -- I unfollowed him a year ago on Twitter and hid him from my newsfeed on FB. Unfortunately, it doesn't prevent me from checking both their Twitter feeds. :-/
DeleteIronically, I actually *never* check his FB profile, because there are always stupid PDA photos of them together that make me want to throw up.
And I also deleted his number from my phone (as well as emails/texts) last year, which sort of helped. Although my old phone still transferred the number to my new phone, which makes no sense... but I will delete it again. :)
Do you think you could delete him from facebook altogether? You likely wouldn't be able to see his stuff and (more importantly) he doesn't get a glimpse into your life because in no way does he deserve one - ever again. It's a tough move but, long term, I think you'll be glad you did it.
DeleteMore Hugs. I agree. This man is clearly not worth a second of your time. He has poor judgement and honestly his life sounds like a bit of a disaster. I agree, you should cut him out completely and really think about WHY you're focusing on him so strongly. Don't let anyone hurt you that much emotionally, especially someone you don't owe anything to.
ReplyDeleteAlso agree, don't try and toss yourself into dating as a distraction. Take some time to really understand why you're responding the way you are to him.